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I think i can…….

I want to say much……i have written the words in my mind 1000 times. I thought that perhaps this morning might be the perfect time as i felt inspired and open to share. The biggest test would be if i remembered my password or not? Well, one try and that was it!! Ok, so that might be a sign!

So much has happened and so much has changed; including me! I have come to learn more about myself in this past year and 1/2 and i am greatful! You hear it all the time…….that the older you get, the less you know. There is alot of truth to that but i do feel that i have gained some valuable life lessons in my middle ages. HA! Notice, i didn’t say “in my old age” I know better. I am going to look back on this time and wish that i could be this young again! I know it! I do that now!!

So for my 1st blog post of the year (missed the boat a little since jan) I just want to convey that I judge less than i did, i have no idea what you are going through in your life if I didn’t experience it myself and walk thru it also, and i can only control me! Sounds simple enough, I know but you can’t possibly grasp these little nuggets until you find them along your lifes road.

I think this learning thing started right about the time when I found my bio dad-about 8 yrs ago now! I had no idea of the impact that event would have on the very core of my being. Again, if you haven’t experienced this yourself……you truly can’t imagine it. I cant’ explain it but it changed everything within me! Down to the very core of why i no longer believe like i used to believe. It took time for all of that to come together to where i am at now. And with that have been so many changes in my life. I found myself in a deep depression……no one would have guessed it, i dont’ think? but about 2 yrs ago i had some crazy thoughts going thru my head. I couldn’t console myself, couldn’t reach out to anyone and was not able to stop the pain. Weird how that happens. Looking back on that time now, i KNOW that it had so much to do with anxiety over a former job situation that just about destroyed me from the inside out. I realize this sounds very dramatic but one of the many reasons for even opening this blog back up is that i HOPE to reach just one of you out there that might be strugglin’ now. Our mind is an amazing instrument! It can work for you or against you. Sometimes all at once. Growing up with someone in my life that basically struggled with depression and was in and out of therapy; i was bound and determined to never let that rule my life. Well, that’s nice until it hits you and all the advice you ever gave like, “oh, you just need to be positive!” or whatever cliche’ we like to throw at ppl! Forget it, don’t even give advice if you have personally not walked thru it. To me, it all has to do with chemicals in our mind! That brain thing again………hormones, life experiences, anxiety!! I can feel myself just ready to explode right now-i want you to understand how important it is that you do NOT judge anyone. I don’t care what the circumstances-you don’t know what you don’t know! Be a friend, be a constant in someones life and be a lifeline but DO NOT judge!

My words are all over this page and how i wish i could express myself better. I am frustrated by what i see on a daily basis with “well meaning” ppl that “think” they have it all figured out. If you meet someone like that…..RUN! I used to be that person and i meant well. They might have it figured out for their life and that is fine but please don’t think that it’s gonna work for everyone!

I would also like to address one more thing while i still have the mircophone ūüôā This goes out to all the peeps that know me from the church community Many have wondered and many have assumed that my reasons for not going to church any longer are because of certain situations that have happened over the last year or so within the church body. Well, you are mistaken and you are probably talking about something you know nothing about. I appreciate those of you that have come up and asked me right out-thank you, you rock!! My decision to leave actually started right about the time my depression hit and have everything to do with my personal beliefs. I just had to clear the air on that one.

This is only the tip of what i want to share at this point. I have probably said too much by now…….I might post more….who knows?!
I am in a good place right now…..a really good place and I love my family more than i can say. I am excited about the future and looking forward to kissing my beautiful grandchild in early sept. So much to be thankful for-so much hope pounding in my chest…..thanks for reading me and till next time-make it a good day. Love eachother!!

I am not an expert on anything-i know that now more than ever. I want to be as open and honest with myself as i can possibly be. This is only an outet for me. Hopefully some of what i say will enefit someone in a small way. I also know that this will be read with some judgement and i guess that’s the chance i take for blogging so openly about my feelings. It is who i am, i am a talker and i share way to much info most of the time. Take me as i am or run for your life! ūüôā

Oh my….

This season in our lives is so bittersweet. Right now it’s sooooo sweet as that boy of mine just melts my heart. We are constantly on him about “getting things done” Poor kid, but man do we love him…..we just really do- and we are so proud of him.¬†

I used to worry about the big events in Brody’s life¬†because at the time Rod and I did not speak. We were not civil.¬† At the time I couldn’t imagine that things would have changed so drastically. I had no idea that¬†Rod would have married a wonderful woman that is a friend to me,¬†and a bonus mom to Brody. I had NO idea that fences would be mended, and that we could all get together as a family¬†to celebrate our son. My heart was full on graduation weekend with everyone at our house (including the lawyer that divorced us!) You just never know what 12 years down the road can look like…….and never in my wildest imagination did it look like this.

so amazed by what God can do when you make room for him. So thankful for this fractured family

It’s not just that he is growing up and moving on but it’s all those weeks when he wasn’t with me that I wonder, “what would be different in his life if he had been?” I know I shouldn’t look back but right now that’s all I seem to be able to do. I wanted better for him. I feel like I have failed him and yet I am so proud of the man that he is becoming. I hope that in one of the chapters of his life he will remember that he was/is loved beyond measure. My boy!

Regret

So how exactly do you move on from regret to forgiveness when you see the wreckage of your past come to full bloom?

I understand a lot, and I have given loads of advice to others, but living it out and moving past it is totally exhausting and painful. Sometimes I just want to crawl under the covers and never come up for air.

My very honest blog post……I needed an outlet!!

Beauty

Yep, i’m slightly late on this post and my blog has obviously been neglected! I am going to take an offical break (ha ha) and close up shop for now. I might return with a new look one day but not anytime soon. Take care all you faithful readers…….i crack myself up!

words…….

i can’t put my thoughts, feelings and emotions into words very well and even at this moment they¬†spill across this page the way that they are cluttering up my heart and mind.

I woke up on the couch at 4 am and the tears started to flow. The tears that had to be held back so many times yesterday as¬†I couldn’t really allow myself to process all of the heartache I¬†felt for my sweet niece, Christina.

I was thankful to be at work so that¬†I would be busy enough¬†to escape my worrying mind. ¬†But, I¬†couldn’t help myself…..my thoughts¬†collided with my heart the entire morning.¬†There would be¬†moments of laughter,¬†and it was almost immediate when I felt that cloud over me, that¬†feeling of dread, and my¬†mind would crash¬†back on¬†Tina.¬†I asked my sister Cindy to keep me informed no matter what the news would be and so she did. Tina was induced at 5 am and¬†I received a txt¬†stating that¬†they lost Beckette’s¬†heartbeat around 11:30 am or so; the moment the doctors broke¬†Tina’s water, the¬†safety¬†of¬†that cocoon she¬†has been surviving in for months. It was all too much for her to take. It’s what was to be expected but¬†I was trying to hold out for the last bit of hope.

According to my sister Diane, Beckette¬†was as beautiful as her brother Seph¬†and sister Mina. Tina was able to hold her little angel and¬†I can’t¬† imagine what that moment must have been like for her. So heart wrenching and difficult to bear. The moment when you give birth, that moment when you get to hold your bundle of joy, and you look forward to all of the tomorrows. That moment when you hold their little fingers and you count their toes……when you kiss their sweet little forehead, and you can’t believe that this little miracle¬†has been given to you…….all of those moments must have torn out Tina’s mothers’ heart. I can’t imagine it. I can’t take it in.

The day was filled with bittersweet intervals of joy and sadness. The joy that my baby boy turned 18 and how the pure excitement of that day so many years ago can still stir my heart. And then my stomach would do the literal flip as I would picture Tina with her sweet baby girl.

I’m trying to process and wanting to move on with the day. Another day that has been given to me and yet all I want to do is get on a plane and be with my family. To hold my sister and let her know that we love her. To give Tina a hug and let her know how proud we are of¬†her and what a strong woman she is. To see and be with the people I love so much. To hold them and cry with them. That’s where I want to be right now but I will hold up my head, just as Tina will¬†do, and I will be thankful for the gift of life that is all around me. I will enter into this world of joy and sadness and be reminded that not any moment should be taken for granted.

Little angel Beckette, you have left an imprint on the hearts and minds of so many people. You have touched so many, and most of all your mommy. You have a purpose and all is not in vain. We love you and I thank you for what you are teaching me even at this very moment. A kiss for you, you precious child. We love you…….

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thank you!