I think i can…….

I want to say much……i have written the words in my mind 1000 times. I thought that perhaps this morning might be the perfect time as i felt inspired and open to share. The biggest test would be if i remembered my password or not? Well, one try and that was it!! Ok, so that might be a sign!

So much has happened and so much has changed; including me! I have come to learn more about myself in this past year and 1/2 and i am greatful! You hear it all the time…….that the older you get, the less you know. There is alot of truth to that but i do feel that i have gained some valuable life lessons in my middle ages. HA! Notice, i didn’t say “in my old age” I know better. I am going to look back on this time and wish that i could be this young again! I know it! I do that now!!

So for my 1st blog post of the year (missed the boat a little since jan) I just want to convey that I judge less than i did, i have no idea what you are going through in your life if I didn’t experience it myself and walk thru it also, and i can only control me! Sounds simple enough, I know but you can’t possibly grasp these little nuggets until you find them along your lifes road.

I think this learning thing started right about the time when I found my bio dad-about 8 yrs ago now! I had no idea of the impact that event would have on the very core of my being. Again, if you haven’t experienced this yourself……you truly can’t imagine it. I cant’ explain it but it changed everything within me! Down to the very core of why i no longer believe like i used to believe. It took time for all of that to come together to where i am at now. And with that have been so many changes in my life. I found myself in a deep depression……no one would have guessed it, i dont’ think? but about 2 yrs ago i had some crazy thoughts going thru my head. I couldn’t console myself, couldn’t reach out to anyone and was not able to stop the pain. Weird how that happens. Looking back on that time now, i KNOW that it had so much to do with anxiety over a former job situation that just about destroyed me from the inside out. I realize this sounds very dramatic but one of the many reasons for even opening this blog back up is that i HOPE to reach just one of you out there that might be strugglin’ now. Our mind is an amazing instrument! It can work for you or against you. Sometimes all at once. Growing up with someone in my life that basically struggled with depression and was in and out of therapy; i was bound and determined to never let that rule my life. Well, that’s nice until it hits you and all the advice you ever gave like, “oh, you just need to be positive!” or whatever cliche’ we like to throw at ppl! Forget it, don’t even give advice if you have personally not walked thru it. To me, it all has to do with chemicals in our mind! That brain thing again………hormones, life experiences, anxiety!! I can feel myself just ready to explode right now-i want you to understand how important it is that you do NOT judge anyone. I don’t care what the circumstances-you don’t know what you don’t know! Be a friend, be a constant in someones life and be a lifeline but DO NOT judge!

My words are all over this page and how i wish i could express myself better. I am frustrated by what i see on a daily basis with “well meaning” ppl that “think” they have it all figured out. If you meet someone like that…..RUN! I used to be that person and i meant well. They might have it figured out for their life and that is fine but please don’t think that it’s gonna work for everyone!

I would also like to address one more thing while i still have the mircophone This goes out to all the peeps that know me from the church community Many have wondered and many have assumed that my reasons for not going to church any longer are because of certain situations that have happened over the last year or so within the church body. Well, you are mistaken and you are probably talking about something you know nothing about. I appreciate those of you that have come up and asked me right out-thank you, you rock!! My decision to leave actually started right about the time my depression hit and have everything to do with my personal beliefs. I just had to clear the air on that one.

This is only the tip of what i want to share at this point. I have probably said too much by now…….I might post more….who knows?!
I am in a good place right now…..a really good place and I love my family more than i can say. I am excited about the future and looking forward to kissing my beautiful grandchild in early sept. So much to be thankful for-so much hope pounding in my chest…..thanks for reading me and till next time-make it a good day. Love eachother!!

I am not an expert on anything-i know that now more than ever. I want to be as open and honest with myself as i can possibly be. This is only an outet for me. Hopefully some of what i say will enefit someone in a small way. I also know that this will be read with some judgement and i guess that’s the chance i take for blogging so openly about my feelings. It is who i am, i am a talker and i share way to much info most of the time. Take me as i am or run for your life!