i can’t put my thoughts, feelings and emotions into words very well and even at this moment they spill across this page the way that they are cluttering up my heart and mind.
I woke up on the couch at 4 am and the tears started to flow. The tears that had to be held back so many times yesterday as I couldn’t really allow myself to process all of the heartache I felt for my sweet niece, Christina.
I was thankful to be at work so that I would be busy enough to escape my worrying mind. But, I couldn’t help myself…..my thoughts collided with my heart the entire morning. There would be moments of laughter, and it was almost immediate when I felt that cloud over me, that feeling of dread, and my mind would crash back on Tina. I asked my sister Cindy to keep me informed no matter what the news would be and so she did. Tina was induced at 5 am and I received a txt stating that they lost Beckette’s heartbeat around 11:30 am or so; the moment the doctors broke Tina’s water, the safety of that cocoon she has been surviving in for months. It was all too much for her to take. It’s what was to be expected but I was trying to hold out for the last bit of hope.
According to my sister Diane, Beckette was as beautiful as her brother Seph and sister Mina. Tina was able to hold her little angel and I can’t imagine what that moment must have been like for her. So heart wrenching and difficult to bear. The moment when you give birth, that moment when you get to hold your bundle of joy, and you look forward to all of the tomorrows. That moment when you hold their little fingers and you count their toes……when you kiss their sweet little forehead, and you can’t believe that this little miracle has been given to you…….all of those moments must have torn out Tina’s mothers’ heart. I can’t imagine it. I can’t take it in.
The day was filled with bittersweet intervals of joy and sadness. The joy that my baby boy turned 18 and how the pure excitement of that day so many years ago can still stir my heart. And then my stomach would do the literal flip as I would picture Tina with her sweet baby girl.
I’m trying to process and wanting to move on with the day. Another day that has been given to me and yet all I want to do is get on a plane and be with my family. To hold my sister and let her know that we love her. To give Tina a hug and let her know how proud we are of her and what a strong woman she is. To see and be with the people I love so much. To hold them and cry with them. That’s where I want to be right now but I will hold up my head, just as Tina will do, and I will be thankful for the gift of life that is all around me. I will enter into this world of joy and sadness and be reminded that not any moment should be taken for granted.
Little angel Beckette, you have left an imprint on the hearts and minds of so many people. You have touched so many, and most of all your mommy. You have a purpose and all is not in vain. We love you and I thank you for what you are teaching me even at this very moment. A kiss for you, you precious child. We love you…….
